


MMA Tea Party

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-17 00:40:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3508682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Masked Metal Assassin has the perfect kidnaping plan.  And (spoiler) it works.<br/>Prompted, because I asked for one.  Because I can’t think anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	MMA Tea Party

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I know he's technically the _Metal Masked_ Assassin, but for some reason my brain insists it's the other way around. Eh, pretty much the same thing anyway.

The Masked Metal Assassin, (AKA the MMA) crept through the ductwork. He’d made it into Mordhaus almost too easily, only killing 3.4 guards in the process and squeezing safely into the cooling system.   
Slithering through the ductwork like a demented Harry Potter film reject, he followed his memorized path to his destination. He was careful not to hit his metal face on the walls, that would of course lead to unfortunate clanging sounds and very possibly his untimely demise.

U-turning above what should have been the rec room, MMA slithered on toward his target. Several reputable travel websites had assured hin that this was indeed the quickest route to Toki’s room, and to Toki’s room he must go. (Hi-ho, hi-ho.) This was his mission, and he had chosen to accept it.  
He was so close now he could smell the lingering aroma of candies past. Candy’s ghosts, or whatever the fuck.

Peering down through the ventilation grating, he saw his target lying on the bed. So innocent and unaware, and so very close...  
Carefully, the MMA eased his handy ‘unscrew shit from the other side’ tool through the slats and fitted it to the first screw. Silently he worked it loose and moved on to the next, his eyes never leaving his target.  
Soon the grate was free, and he eased it down to hang by its hinges.

Slithering improbably out of the duct, MMA dropped silently onto his prey, his strong hands wrapping tight. Reversing directions, he slipped back into the ductwork, dragging his much smaller victim along with him.  
He didn’t bother to replace the grating, he’d be long gone before they discovered it. Slithering faster, he headed for escape and freedom.  
He had that Deddybear now!

****

The room was frilly, and pink. Very pink. It was the kind of room that little girls kill for, assuming the little girls you know are homicidal. No? Just me? Never mind then.  
The room is still really fucking pink though, and excessively frilly. Deddybear sat in a chair, actually tied to a chair, because _that_ makes sense. It was a cute and dainty chair, just like everything else in the room. (Except everything else in the room wasn’t a chair, but you get what I mean.)

The door opened and the MMA entered the room, wearing a tiny pink lace-edged apron over his usual clothes and carrying a child’s miniature tea set which was _also_ pink. He set it gently on the table and carefully eased his enormous, overly muscled body into a matching dainty pink chair.  
The MMA mimed pouring tea, setting one cup in front of the captive bear and ‘sipping’ at the other, with his legs carefully crossed and his pinky jutting out as far as he was able. There was no need to be uncivilized here.

“More tea, Deddybear?” he inquired with a semi-sinister smile, tiny teapot raised. The bear did not respond of course, but the MMA ‘topped off’ his cup anyway.  
MMA took another ‘sip’ and then dabbed daintily at the corners of his mouth with a minature pink cloth napkin. This was the best tea party he’d eve had! “Oh Deddybear, I knew you’d understand!” Behind the metal mask, his eyes misted over and he let out an extremely manly little sniffle. This couldn’t last.

It was never meant to be, but he could pretend for a while. Until they finished their (fake) tea and ‘ate’ their (also fake and non-existent) tea cakes, nothing else mattered. Not even the 3.4 (or was it 4.6? He couldn’t remember now) dead guards, or the tightness of the ductwork he could still almost feel pressing against him, none of that mattered now.  
This was tea with Deddybear time, damnit.

****

The box was fond on the Mordhaus steps, just a cardboard box with small, randomly spaced holes punched in the lid. Nobody knew who had placed it there. Gears in riot gear carefully approached it, and when it didn’t explode, opened it.  
Much confusion was beheld by all. Not knowing what else to do, a poor chosen gear was dispatched to deliver the box to Lord Toki.

Toki’s scream was heard throughout the whole haus. There in the box was Deddybear, but oh the horror!  
He had been dressed in a pink lace-edged apron.


End file.
